How to Cast a Breakup spell
My Dearest Rachel,
Smart move keeping the cat. At least you will still have Precious’s warm body to cuddle up with at night now that your boyfriend, excuse me, ex-boyfriend is fucking the girl next door. Funny how these things tend to happen under one’s nose like that, it’s almost as if you let it happen. After all, it seems that you noticed something was brewing since a few days after Valentines when you noticed your boyfriend appeared to be entranced with this girl, Leah, he met walking out of your building. Something which increasingly became obvious over the next few weeks when he started random conversations about how nice Leah is or how naturally funny he finds her or how she has an understated type of prettiness which he quickly amended by saying was a type of prettiness that couldn’t be compared with your kind of beauty. Comments you oh-so willingly took to believe were innocent observations he had made during a couple of their brief rides in the elevator. Observations which turned out to be made around the time he started “punching” the “bottom” button and “riding” her elevator down to the “basement” level.
As if this weren’t cause enough to alert you that there was trouble in paradise, he then began to cancel plans he made with you months prior claiming he had a work thing. Although stalking him on social media you started to notice that these “work things” happened to take place at all of yours and his favorite romantic hangouts. Finally deciding to hang up the “love is blind” act you confronted your boyfriend about lying and he told you that he only said he was working because he wanted space from you as you were too clingy and that Leah wouldn’t keep tabs on him through social media. At which point, he declared he’d rather be with Leah because she would never accuse him of cheating and dumped you just like that.
Half a box of tissues and two boxes of thin mints later, you enter the kitchen to fetch a carton of low-fat ice-cream from the freezer for which you needed a spoon so you went over to the sink and who should you see out the kitchen window but your ex-boyfriend. Confused, you head over to the larger window in the dining room to get a better look when you find your neighbor, the same one who you had caught spying on your Valentine date, and your ex-boyfriend feeding each other fancy looking hors d’oeuvres while sipping wine out of nice glasses. Leah then catches you watching, grabs her glass of wine, walks over to the window, holds her wine up to you as a toast, smirks, and shuts the blinds in your face.
Now you write to me because you are looking for a cure for a broken heart. Well, I have just the thing … revenge! Think about it, you want to wipe that smug smile off her stupid face. She has been wanting this all along, plotting, stalking, and somehow bewitching your boyfriend, but no decent self-respecting women would let this stand. You want to watch their sickening new lovey-dovey relationship crumble. And I know just how to do that.
Firstly you will need to collect the following ingredients: lemon or vinegar, Precious’ nail clippings, cayenne pepper, eggshells (this part is optional depending on if you are vegan), a slip of paper and a pencil, a black drawstring pouch, and lastly a potted plant. Once all the ingredients are gathered follow the steps below.
Step 1: Write the couple’s name on a slip of paper and then soak the paper either in lemon juice or vinegar while announcing: “I now hold the power to make this relationship go sour.” Then place the paper inside the hex bag leaving it open so that you may insert the rest of the ingredients.
Step 2: Sprinkle three of Precious’ nail clippings inside the bag while declaring: “May these tear them apart.”
Step 3: Add in a dash of cayenne pepper while saying: “May tempers burn hot while their romance does not.”
Step 4 (optional): Crack the eggshells and crumble them into the bag: “May they be forced to walk on eggshells around each other and crack under the pressure.”
Step 5: Tie the hex bag and bury it underneath a potted plant, the Devil’s Backbone plant will do just nicely as it can figuratively represent the hell you will be putting them through. Proclaim these words twice if you followed step four or three times if you hadn’t: “Die, die, here you’ll lie! Kiss your happy home goodbye!”
Step 6: Leave the pot outside her door at a time when you know he will not be at home. As the whore is accustomed to taking things that aren’t hers she will bring it in without a question, and since he is a guiltless liar he will have no problem taking the credit for your present.
As the deed will be done you can sit back, relax, sip a glass of box wine and watch their world implode.
Cheers.
Your Friend,
-∈ Staan
hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com
How to Cast a breakup spell
My Dearest Rachel,
Smart move keeping the cat. At least you will still have Precious’s warm body to cuddle up with at night now that your boyfriend, excuse me, ex-boyfriend is fucking the girl next door. Funny how these things tend to happen under one’s nose like that, it’s almost as if you let it happen. After all, it seems that you noticed something was brewing since a few days after Valentines when you noticed your boyfriend appeared to be entranced with this girl, Leah, he met walking out of your building. Something which increasingly became obvious over the next few weeks when he started random conversations about how nice Leah is or how naturally funny he finds her or how she has an understated type of prettiness which he quickly amended by saying was a type of prettiness that couldn’t be compared with your kind of beauty. Comments you oh-so willingly took to believe were innocent observations he had made during a couple of their brief rides in the elevator. Observations which turned out to be made around the time he started “punching” the “bottom” button and “riding” her elevator down to the “basement” level.
As if this weren’t cause enough to alert you that there was trouble in paradise, he then began to cancel plans he made with you months prior claiming he had a work thing. Although stalking him on social media you started to notice that these “work things” happened to take place at all of yours and his favorite romantic hangouts. Finally deciding to hang up the “love is blind” act you confronted your boyfriend about lying and he told you that he only said he was working because he wanted space from you as you were too clingy and that Leah wouldn’t keep tabs on him through social media. At which point, he declared he’d rather be with Leah because she would never accuse him of cheating and dumped you just like that.
Half a box of tissues and two boxes of thin mints later, you enter the kitchen to fetch a carton of low-fat ice-cream from the freezer for which you needed a spoon so you went over to the sink and who should you see out the kitchen window but your ex-boyfriend. Confused, you head over to the larger window in the dining room to get a better look when you find your neighbor, the same one who you had caught spying on your Valentine date, and your ex-boyfriend feeding each other fancy looking hors d’oeuvres while sipping wine out of nice glasses. Leah then catches you watching, grabs her glass of wine, walks over to the window, holds her wine up to you as a toast, smirks, and shuts the blinds in your face.
Now you write to me because you are looking for a cure for a broken heart. Well, I have just the thing … revenge! Think about it, you want to wipe that smug smile off her stupid face. She has been wanting this all along, plotting, stalking, and somehow bewitching your boyfriend, but no decent self-respecting women would let this stand. You want to watch their sickening new lovey-dovey relationship crumble. And I know just how to do that.
Firstly you will need to collect the following ingredients: lemon or vinegar, Precious’ nail clippings, cayenne pepper, eggshells (this part is optional depending on if you are vegan), a slip of paper and a pencil, a black drawstring pouch, and lastly a potted plant. Once all the ingredients are gathered follow the steps below.
Step 1: Write the couple’s name on a slip of paper and then soak the paper either in lemon juice or vinegar while announcing: “I now hold the power to make this relationship go sour.” Then place the paper inside the hex bag leaving it open so that you may insert the rest of the ingredients.
Step 2: Sprinkle three of Precious’ nail clippings inside the bag while declaring: “May these tear them apart.”
Step 3: Add in a dash of cayenne pepper while saying: “May tempers burn hot while their romance does not.”
Step 4 (optional): Crack the eggshells and crumble them into the bag: “May they be forced to walk on eggshells around each other and crack under the pressure.”
Step 5: Tie the hex bag and bury it underneath a potted plant, the Devil’s Backbone plant will do just nicely as it can figuratively represent the hell you will be putting them through. Proclaim these words twice if you followed step four or three times if you hadn’t: “Die, die, here you’ll lie! Kiss your happy home goodbye!”
Step 6: Leave the pot outside her door at a time when you know he will not be at home. As the whore is accustomed to taking things that aren’t hers she will bring it in without a question, and since he is a guiltless liar he will have no problem taking the credit for your present.
As the deed will be done you can sit back, relax, sip a glass of box wine and watch their world implode.
Cheers.
Your Friend,
-∈ Staan
hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com